I am having so many feelings and thoughts today, ANZAC Day 2020. Phew. If you are reading this from overseas, the 25th of April is the day we in Australia and New Zealand commemorate the landing of Gallipoli. ANZAC – Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. Separate to Remembrance Day where we honour our servicemen and women in general, lost and existing, ANZAC Day is the day, in 1915, as part of the Great War (World War I), when our young soldiers were delivered onto a foreign beach and massacred. It is a moment of tragedy in both our country’s histories. Not only did the enemy know we were coming but our troops were landed in the entire wrong place, in the wrong way and had the low ground. There is an Internet mother load of details about this battle so I’m not going to go on about it here. Suffice to say, on that day an unforgivable amount of Aussie and Kiwi blood was spilled onto a Turkish beach.
Today, 25 April 2020, the year of COVID-19, is the first time in forever that dawn services across Aus/NZ have been cancelled. Thanks to coronavirus, public gatherings are on lock down. Instead we decorated our homes with poppies, and flags, and stood at the end of our driveways facing East as the sun rose and listened to the Last Post. I have never been to a dawn service because the thought of crowds gives me a certain level of anxiety. (NB: If you are a musician and I go to an event or venue to see you, then I must REALLY love your music just so you know). Today was my first dawn service and here’s what happened.
Almost everyone in my street came out to their driveways. We didn’t chat and shake hands, we stood together but apart in silence listening to the live stream. I, for one, felt the connection between us even though we were not standing shoulder to shoulder. I cried. Sobbed actually. Yep. Tears just streamed down my face. This is for a few reasons. The Last Post is quite literally one of the most perfect pieces of music ever written and that lonely calling trumpet just makes my entire soul react. I cried because I was by myself and I could without worrying that someone was going to be staring at my snotty nose and be grossed out.
But the overwhelming reason I felt like crying and let myself do it? It was the thought of lives sacrificed as if they were a commodity, the thought of our First Nations people being sent off to war when they weren’t even treated as equal humans in their own country, the thought of the amount of loss to families across our countries, the thought of the torture and hunger and pain and suffering endured by these soldiers in this and every other war, the thought of the extraordinary magnitude of pain and suffering associated with this and war in general, these thoughts overwhelmed me and it was almost like all that pain moved through me.
ANZAC Day for me has been, is today, and always will be a day where all my own grief is reawakened and I wonder if other people have the same experience.
I felt the pain because all those thoughts made me think about all of my own grief. Grief for lost trust, lost childhood innocence, lost family, lost friends, lost pets, lost dreams, lost hopes and lost promises. All the different griefs we carry around inside of us. They never really go away do they? Maybe we just learn to walk around with them. Sometimes that’s with some pretty shite coping mechanisms but I hope by me writing this down, maybe it will help me and other people realise it’s okay to feel those feelings. That days like today will bring those feelings up. And there’s no magic cure. But you can learn to walk around with your griefs.
If you have feelings of grief coming up today here are a few things to remember:
· It’s okay. It really is. It is okay to feel these feelings. You are not stupid. Losing your cat or losing your marriage are not lesser than losing a soldier in war. It is valid to you and it matters. Grief is grief and each grief manifests in different ways. And if you a human that scoffs at others and has some sort of hierarchy of who gets to complain about suffering, please stop doing that. Just stop. You’re not the boss of the universe.
· Every single other human on this planet is carrying around some sort of grief. It’s something that actually unites the human race. Your grief is valid and real and every person you meet carries some of their own. There is a story of Kisa Gautam who had lost her child and went to Buddha asking him to help relieve her suffering.. He sent her to every house in the village and told her to collect mustard seeds from a home that had not experienced loss and grief. Of course she couldn’t. She took the lesson; death comes to us all. And when we know this we can appreciate our life and treat each other with a bit more compassion.
· That’s all nice and philosophical, but in practical terms if you are using shit-house coping mechanisms so that you can carry your grief around; it might be time to consider getting help. I mean it. Reach out. If you feel ready. Talk to someone you trust. Or find a grief counsellor. Bee Yourself Counselling specialise in this sort of thing and are wonderful (full disclosure, Madonna is my friend but I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true – she is great). But there are other great people out there that don’t just want to psychoanalyse you. If they specialise in grief, they will know how to really understand you and listen to you. You can absolutely learn to carry your grief and live your life. When you get to enlightenment you can let it all go but geez that’s a big job haha. For now – reclaim you LIFE.
Having said all of that, now that I’ve wiped my face and got caffeinated, I must say, I’m pretty stoked that the country has adopted this driveway vigil deal because I can stand in my own driveway and cry like a baby in public but in private. I can be part of the experience without the crowds. I hope it’s something that Aussies and Kiwis keep up with. So many pictures I’ve received from friends who have spent the week making poppy wreaths and decorations with their families and friends which would of course mean discussing the day and what it’s all about. I think it’s been really great.
How are you guys feeling today? Do days like this bring up a lot of feelings for you? Will you, like me, be more prepared for days like this that bring up these feelings? Hit me up in the comments.
One love y’all
