Okay there is clearly a whole bunch of weird shit that we do as grown ups but I haven’t got time to write a feeken thesis so this is what you’re going to get. On a serious note, as a white female in a capitalist democratic society there are “constructs” I live inside of that, really when you step back and look, are kind of shit. Like the whole rich get richer, the poor get the picture deal. The gender role and gender pay gap pile of crap. The dominance of Christianity like it’s some sort of pinnacle of intelligence (it’s not). I could get into some pretty heavy shit but lately it’s the little things that I’m finding quite entertaining.
Green Grass
We water grass. Seriously. It has to be green. And it has to be growing so we can mow it. People are dying around the world because they have to drink the same water they shit in, but here we are in middle class suburbia pouring water onto the ground because…..we want to look at the green. I do it. Not gonna lie. Honestly, it’s like therapy for me. I can watch the water and gather my thoughts. I usually water when I’m trying to process some big feelings. Truthfully though it is a giant waste of time and water and now I just gotta mow the shit. What the hell is this??
Favourite Cooktop Burner
Drink Weird Shit
For example, alcohol. Okay this is potentially a whole book. In fact, there are many fine publications on getting Sober Curious (Ruby Warrington you are a legend), or helping you quit drinking and quit other crap. But can we just take a moment and consider that as a rite of passage and a grown-up privilege, we consider soaking our cells in POISON to be a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Okay while we are on the subject of drinking, we drink cow milk designed for the single purpose of making small cows into big cows. We drink other animals’ milk. Would you lie down and suckle on a goat as a grown person? I do not think so. But here we go milking goats…..and almonds.
We Make Lists
Okay this is not so much weird to me as I resent having to do it. It implies there are more things to do than I can fit into a day and that means there must be a whole bunch of shit I’m expected to do that I don’t really need to fucking do. It’s only just because I have to fit into some sort of social norm probably. Like buy a birthday card for some person who really doesn’t care. Or go to the chemist to fill my script for my anxiety medication which I wouldn’t even need if I didn’t have a to do list as long as my arm full of expectations. Surely it would be okay as a human to get up and have one or two things to do and then spend the rest of the day eating, sleeping, and creating beautiful works of art or perfecting various dance moves. What are all of these oh so important things that require LISTS. Fuck those things.
We Kill Stuff
We Go Towards Danger
Have you ever seen, or have you ever personally, heard the neighbours having a ding-dong or heard a loud crash or a bang or some shit and you are straight over at that window or up the street to go see what it was? What kind of animal does that? Have you ever seen a feeken kangaroo go jump TOWARDS the loud bang? No. No you fucking have not. Humans are so friggen strange we go SEEK OUT this strange and frightening thing. We are a curious species and I’m sorry to say we may also be quite a stupid species as well. Weirdos
The Third Draw
In the kitchen the top drawer is cutlery, the second is the “big knives” and the third is a drawer for life’s miscellaneous shit. Examples of items found in the third drawer include shoe laces, batteries, screwdrivers, picture hooks, dog wormers, light bulbs, screws that have come out of things (we can’t figure out what but we might need it one day when something suddenly falls apart), super glue, spare sunglasses, navmans, zappy dog collars, stubby holders, cotton and dump vouchers. As humans we are so programmed to categorise things that we have even invented a drawer to contain the chaos of random items because we can’t deal.
